Do you live with the constant guilt over stupid things (or not so stupid sometimes) which have happened in you past? I know I do!
I think honestly I wasn't a very nice person to know during my 20s. On reflection was there obvious reasons for so much of the mental health issues I've faced in my adult life? Yes. Is that an excuse for how I behaved? No. I know some people will never forgive me for my selfishness, or how I acted towards them, I can understand that, I probably wouldn't forgive me either. However, is beating myself up or torturing myself with that for the rest of my life going to achieve anything? Also no.
I'm setting up this blog as an outlet for all things mental health. I'd like to try and turn it into something positive in the end but ultimately, I need to get a lot of things out. The temptation to contact some of these people I've fallen out with or lost contact with is overwhelming sometimes, but ultimately, these people probably don't spare me a second thought anymore and why should they? They don't have to be a part of my healing and reconciling my past, and if the feeling ever strikes, I can always post them here.
I think I would like to just blog normal things too but throughout this year I want to write anonymous apology letters to those I feel deserve one, they'll never receive them but it might be cathartic to write them and post them anyway. A way of making sense of hard points in my life and hopefully finding a way to forgive myself and free myself in the process?
So here we are, in the middle of January when I should be doing uni work, making a plan instead for my mental health. Who knows if I'll see this one through but hopefully this will be the first of a long series of posts.
xoxo
Jade
